Why is it so hard to lead an authentic life? I mean, it's really hard. Especially if you're not a narcissist. Authentically, I don't mind work if it's for/on something that I'm passionate about or otherwise motivated in some way. Society doesn't want me to work on something I'm passionate about...at least I won't be financially supported by it, which is sort of important when you have a family to raise. Authentically, I feel torn between creating something that feeds my creative and or/humanitarian soul and devoting myself to my kids and my idea of what is best for them. Authentically, I feel burnt out, desiring of simplicity, art, travel, community, though I certainly have elements of all of them in my life. Authentically, I long to fly like the bird, free and soaring...but can I? Sure, but only at the expense of the amazing children who count on me, who love me, who seem to want me around even when I have energy for little more than the very basic of their needs and an attention-span worthy of a triple ADD diagnosis (no there's no such thing, but I was lacking a proper example).

So how do I remain true to myself, my authentic self, the one who is not mother or friend or daughter or homemaker or teacher or even artist without risking the emotional well-being of three small people? Why does it seem so difficult to find a happy medium? And why do I feel so guilty for being so self-focused these past few years?

Because mothers are supposed to have endless patience. Mothers are givers and nurturers and are connected to their children like no one else. They are fierce when it comes to their well-being and put them first always. Right?

So where is my authentic connection to them lately? I love them, no doubt. Love them and appreciate them and who they are, am grateful for their health, for their friends and mine and yet so much of what I do for them and with them seems obligatory lately. Truly, like a job but one which I never know if I'm doing right and one that is not valued in the same way a "productive" job is...a job that doesn't support me financially and takes a huge amount of emotional energy and is never done.

I could put them in school and give myself a break...from the pressure of providing them with everything they need, in every way... a chance for silence and a break from the constant mess in my house. But I want to honor who they are as people, and at least two out of three of my kids are not people for whom public school would be a good fit. I believe in how I'm raising them, I believe in the unschooling model...but it's a huge commitment and I can understand why so many people choose to send their kids elsewhere.

I've come up with three options:

One: build or join an unschooling community, where I'll feel supported daily by others who are doing what I'm doing, where there is shared responsibility and resources so that the burden is not all on me every day.

Two: Get a job that will give me enough money to send them to a private school that embodies the methods I'm using or that has similar values.

Three: Get a strong anti-depressant and plough through, finding as many opportunities for escape and renewal as I can.

It's hard to be in the middle...to be feeling an ethereal, spiritual being within you, to resonate with nature so much you just want to "be" as it is...to be human and connected to other humans and all that that entails. When I feel lack of joy, in my humaness, sometimes all I can find is serenity in the arms of nature, the universe, the in between.