Honesty: Revealing You

In many respects, I've always been a very open person, both emotionally and otherwise. Some would say too much so and they might be right. I'd say it is both a gift and a curse. My reasoning was always that it was better for people to have all the information up front so they knew what they were getting. I could feel like I'd done my part by being clear on where I stood. There would be no guessing.

And honesty is a relief. Keeping things in is such a burden and so unnecessary. For me, being honest doesn't just mean telling the truth when asked. It means not withholding or omitting information that might have an impact on a person or situation. And it means revealing yourself. That isn't to say that you need to share everything with everyone--just the people that matter most to you. Sometimes that's hardest of all.

Often times we are so worried about hurting someone else that we deny ourselves the ability to feel and express our own thoughts, emotions, wants and needs. In a predominantly Christian culture, other always comes first. Self-sacrifice is an aspiration, martyrdom a prize. It's not widely-accepted to put yourself first or to say what you want. I'm not advocating being insensitive or inflexible. I'm not saying you say and do what you want with no concern for others. I think it's a gift to be able to see both sides of an issue but you can't do it at the expense of yourself. There has to be a balance. You can see both sides but at the end of the day, being authentic means being true to yourself...choosing you, staying with you, even as you are conscious and considerate of others.

Anger has never been an emotion that sat well with me or one that I connected much with. Sadness, yep. Fear, yeah, I know that one. Joy, sure. All of these are emotions that I had no problem identifying in myself but that I also had no problem exposing to others. But anger was a tough one…I could get angry for a cause or in defense of someone or something else but never on my own behalf. I never owned my own anger when it came to me, I guess because it always seemed so ugly and scary so I pushed it down so far that I couldn't even access it. I might initially be angry with someone, but almost immediately my instinct was to justify it or jump into their shoes. "Oh, they weren't trying to hurt me," I'd reason. I couldn't stand with myself, in my own feeling.

Recently, a friend did something that I saw as a great betrayal. I knew that she was doing it from a place of genuine concern and love for me but it really made me mad. That came as a shock to me because I so rarely feel that (the exception being with my husband). This friend had set the standard for honest and direct communication in our relationship so I felt comfortable expressing myself to her. I did not yell, I did not call names or accuse. I simply told her honestly, and with a tone that was fairly severe (for me), how I felt. She explained her side of things. I acknowledged that she was coming from a good place but I did not brush aside my anger because of that, nor did I dump it all on her. I owned it, I felt it and accepted it completely. Only then was I truly able to let it go. It helped that she validated how I felt, understood my reaction. Certainly the mark of a true friend.

I've had other opportunities recently to practice what I preach which I may share in future blogs, but for now, the bottom line is that being honest with others can't happen unless you're honest and in touch with yourself, even the parts that seem ugly or scary. It is amazing what growth, what connection can come from that honesty because we can learn so much from each other. And we can experience such freedom.