To Love or Not to Love

Vulnerability. To let yourself be vulnerable, for most people, is one of the scariest prospects. This is especially true if you've been hurt in the past. Me, I've never had that problem. I always kept my heart and soul wide open (again, some would say too open), even after being wounded or rejected. I kept putting myself out there, emotionally speaking, regardless of the risk. I was never any good at putting up walls around myself.

It's been a long time since I've been in a position of vulnerability in matters of the heart. It's also been a long time since I've been hurt, but I've recently experienced both. I put my feelings out there and was met with rejection. And yeah, it hurts. But I know I'd do it again in a minute. Because without that risk, I would never know what could have been. And more than once, the risk has paid off in a big way. If you're not willing to be vulnerable, willing to be hurt, you're also losing out on the opportunity to love, to be loved.

There is a line in a song by Ingrid Michaelson that says "Happy is the heart that still feels pain." Indeed. For me, even the pain is okay. It reminds me that I can still be vulnerable, that I can still open up to the unknown, risking the most precious thing I have--my heart. And what's more, I'm not collapsing in on myself because of that pain. I am sitting in it, feeling it, owning it. I don't feel despair, I don't feel stupid or silly. I feel like I was true to myself and my feelings and at the end of the day, that's who I have to answer to.

Maybe I would have done well to learn how to close off my heart a bit. When I was younger, the pain of rejection overwhelmed me, made me turn in on myself, fall apart. Probably because I just didn't have enough of my authentic self to connect with, to hold me up in the face of another. I let the rejection define my self-worth. It would have been good self-preservation for me to not leave myself open to that kind of hurt.

Now I accept that in order to have a heart that feels, I have to feel both the love and the pain. And I know that if I put myself out there and get rejected, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me. It means that I just opened up to the wrong person and if I don't keep opening up, I'll never find the right person--one who is willing to let me in, open up to me, too.

Certainly there is a time for closing off. Pulsing, like contracting, is a natural part of the rhythm of life. We breathe, in and out. We open, we close. We should be able to close off and protect ourselves if we are being mistreated or abused. We should go inward, keep some things to ourselves when we need to. We should stop opening to someone who doesn't want to take in what we're offering.

And when we have been rejected and hurt, that is also a good time to close off, go inward and heal. Soothe ourselves, reconnect with our authentic being. I know that's what I will do. But I also know that I will open up again the next time around because I know what is possible and I know that it's worth it. Every heartachy minute of it.