Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes

A good friend of mine pointed out a sign a little while ago. It was in front of an insurance company and it read "Life is unpredictable….be prepared for it." She got such a kick out of that and so did I. You can't be prepared for the impermanence of things. I suppose in a financial sense you can be, but on a larger scale there's no way. I think that's why people feel the need to be prepared in a physical or financial way for the future. Because it's the only thing that they can control, at least to a certain extent.

Change is inevitable. If there's one thing you can predict it's that things will fluctuate, move, evolve, dissolve and evolve again. Everything changes. The weather, tastes, seasons, societal norms, relationships….it all changes. Sometimes the change is so slow that we can't see it happening but it's happening all the same. And if we're lucky, we change, too. Hopefully, we as individuals are growing and evolving from the inside out. But in changing, we sometimes find we don't fit into the life that we started out with because we're not completely the same person anymore.

When you change, or rather when the real you emerges, it can be hard for the people around you because they're used to you being a certain way….whoever you were when your relationship was formed. If you're someone who has always been a giver, someone who is constantly trying to please everyone else and accommodating their needs with little or no regard for your own and then you suddenly find your voice, find your ability to say "no", it can come as a shock. Or if you've always been the fun, go-with-the-flow person and you discover or get in touch with the deeper, more serious side of yourself, those around you may have trouble accepting these changes. People in our lives are often invested in our remaining the same because change or growth often feels threatening to them. They can interpret that change as judgment or as a sign that your connection to them is no longer needed or valid.

I've been thinking about that a lot...personal changes, finding that authentic self and how that works within a relationship. Certainly it's possible to grow into yourself, to change and to stay connected to loved ones in the midst of it, especially if those people are willing to accept and appreciate the new or rather, authentic, you. But sometimes the nature of those relationships change, even while there is still connection. And this can be just as difficult to adjust to, especially if the parties involved don't want the same things from the relationship.

Knowing that things change, it makes me wonder about traditional marriage. Clearly, when I got married I anticipated it would last forever. I married someone who was my friend as well as my lover, also knowing that romantic love changes and sometimes fades and that choosing a partner means choosing someone who you can connect with on many levels. I never understood people who got divorced during a rough patch in their relationship. That's what the commitment part is for, right? To work through problems, tough it out, knowing that it's temporary? I knew that relationships changed...what I didn't realize was how much I would change.

Real change is scary. The man who I married is a beautiful, loving, exceptional person. He has given me more than a person could ask for and I love him. But I am not the same person I was when we married. There are elements that are the same, sure. Maybe a lot. But there is more now, more of the authentic me and that has changed the relationship. It doesn't mean there is no love there...it doesn't mean that anyone has done anything wrong or that we don't have a strong connection or that we can't get along. But it is not the same relationship that we entered and it may not be the relationship of a husband and wife. Being authentic means being honest enough to admit that, no matter how difficult or painful it may be.

I think marriage, in some ways, is another way to find a sense of stability, of safety in a world that is in constant flux. Because people should change, they should evolve, they should emerge...and people don't always do so in the same way or move in the same direction. Being married means you have to move in the same direction...or at least the same general direction. How can you both be true to self if authentically, you want to move in different directions? And moving towards the unknown on your own, especially when the known is comfortable and safe, is quite intimidating.

Of course, there is some amount of compromise that has to happen if you have children. You can't go in a direction that takes you away from them because they do need to feel connected to you and I think they need to feel a connection between their parents, even if it's only in a familial way. But I believe they can adapt to change if those things are constant.

There are all kinds of families and relationships nowadays. I met a woman recently who is in a polyamorous relationship, which means that she has more than one loving, committed relationship. I know of another woman who has two husbands and they are a family, raising their kids together. My understanding is that these relationships only work if all parties are completely open and honest about their feelings. Communication is key. It may seem outrageous to some people, but if one person doesn't fulfill your needs in a partner and it works for everyone involved, I think it makes sense. Especially when half of all marriages end in divorce and the main reason is infidelity.

If you look at nature, there are all kinds of examples to observe. Some animals mate for life. Others have many partners. In certain whale species, the males have one mate but they only come around to breed while the women care for the young. If there are so many variations in the animal world, why do we think a traditional marriage is the only kind of family to have?

Humans want guarantees....we want security and promises and forevers. And there is comfort in that, surely. But there are also great things that come from change, that come from being in the now, being fully conscious and aware of where you're at and who you are. If you're open to it, each relationship that you have has the potential to bring you closer to your authentic self, to provide the opportunity for growth that you need to move to the next level of knowing, maybe the next relationship. Through it all, being connected to self can be the stability, can be the safety and comfort.

I think love is a beautiful thing. Sharing a life with someone is a beautiful thing. Growing old with someone is a beautiful thing. But I think you have to be in touch with your authentic self , (as does your partner (s)) in order to find the right person and be content in that scenario. Because sharing a life should come not from obligation or need but from true connection and enjoyment. At least that's my idealistic take on it.